I'm sick, I'm sick of this lie that my mind tricks me into believing- of thinking that I must do all these things to be okay. That I must spend my money here, and I must read this book and I must go to this church, and perhaps after the discipline of all of these things- maybe then I'll be okay. Because I live such a hard life here, with everything at my finger tips- it's a ruff day to wake up and drive these streets, oh it's a tough job to put up with the people around me. No really you just don't understand how tough I have it, its such a "struggle" day to day I can barely keep a smile. I "struggle" with my attitude, with my job, with my paycheck, with my less than perfect body; I struggle with the highest fashion. I struggle and you can't tell me any different, because you don't know what its like to be me. When did this became the truth from our lips it sounds more like obscurity to me, when did I become so consumed with me, the definition of the word struggle is to contend with an adversary or opposing force: to advance with violent effort…….against myself? Against my problems? I don't think so. I don't think that's how its supposed to be. I want my eyes to get off of myself just for one second, I want them to get out of this American society rut. If I could I wish I could throw all my money away, if I could I'd run, I'd run away I'd drink coffee all day and play on the cobble stone streets of Verona, I'd squish the grapes with my bare feet- but instead I feel won over. I have been won over by the very one I am supposed to be "violently advancing against", I have believed that before I can even see the grapes I must buy the products, learn about the products, then I must scrub. I must scrub my dirty feet until they are perfect- and after all of that I get the feeling that I may not even be very good at what I'm about to do. Why. Jesus why do I not see, why to I strive for the perfection that will never come, why is it that I think that before I could even see you from a distant I have to become the best. Why do I feel like even after all of my striving, all of my struggle all the money spent, books read, and songs sang I still may not be good enough to do the job. Jesus why have I believed the lie, if I am called to be like you and if I was made in the fathers image, then why are your feet dirty, why are you doing all the things that my heart longs for while I sit here and scrub. I see your feet and they are dirty- why am I so consumed on my own perfection. Jesus, show me the streets, take me there …Jesus let me taste the grapes.
I hear the word truth countless times, in numerous ways. I actually hear it so much that it becomes part of my reality and my agenda. I want to be a truthful person, who leads a life full of truth, I also of course what to be true to my self and my beliefs. This makes me feel good, safe you could say, but why? It seems I've wrapped myself up in a blanket of false truths, maybe not even false- they just turned out to be somebody else's truths. They weren't mine, and in actuality they weren't even close. This feeling I have known from the consequence of trying to embody someone else's truth leaves me uncomfortable, almost itching to get this off of me. I feel as if I'm stuck wearing this oversized wool sweater, that isn't even my size, or in a color that I prefer. But to top that off I don't even like to wear sweaters, but it seems I've found myself in this place where they are required with out question. I thought this was what I needed, I thought this was truth, I thought to be accepted I had to follow this path. I had to prove it, I had to show everyone. This is me, this is what I want this is what I believe. So I abandoned it all to prove it, to prove it to you, and you. But its been long enough I say, and in the nicest way possible.. I don't care about you, or you or really what you think about me or the decisions I make. I feel this way because I'm actually learning who I am, and what it is I love and I'm pretty much okay with being uniquely me. I wasn't supposed to look or be just like all of you, my life is my own, it has a purpose and a passion. And I have come to the grand conclusion that what a glorious way to spend my life, learning what I love and then pursuing it rather than falling into the latest trend or doing my duty like everyone else. My duty most likely is unlike anyone else's and can not be contained by any 4 walls. I hate that we use the word truth so much; I wish we'd teach people how to find truth for themselves not to just hear the word and feel a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I've recently noticed we use so many "fluffy" words that actually just disguise us from having a real conversation; we've mastered the art of sounding like we have this thing down. We can even listen to speeches and go away feeling proud to be an American simply from hearing the few words of freedom, trust, and liberty and completely forget about the real topics of famine, debt, and poverty. I'm not ashamed to decided what I believe in, or what I stand for, I'm no longer afraid to ask questions or to seek answers, because I believe with my whole heart that the only way that we can grow mentally, physically, and spiritually is to wrestle with ideas, to ask questions and to actually dwell on things and then decided for ourselves what and how it impacts us. I'm proud to say, I've seen, I've saw and I've conquered. Now off with this sweater, and on to a new chapter.
